How often has a friend called you gushing about a new person they’re dating? They list the countless wonderful things they adore about them and you can tell your friend is already mentally picking out wedding venues. Then just a couple of months, maybe even a year later, after they’ve invested time, their heart, and in many cases money, they confide their partner is not who they thought they were or that they’ve changed.
So how can you tell if that person really is who they say they are before you get too invested or even worse, marry them? This is one area where 1 True Match focuses a lot of effort and expertise into researching for our clients. There is no greater heartache than feeling duped and deceived after you’ve made a major investment into a relationship.
How To Remove The Mask Before Marriage:
- Look Before You Leap – Before you fall with your heart, look with your head and your gut. It’s human nature to put your best foot forward in a relationship and want a potential partner to think you have your life together. But unfortunately, that may just be just a facade they are trying to present to you and not their day to day reality. Don’t brush off warning signs, no matter how small they seem. Take your time to truly to get to know their life before jumping into the deep end. We are big believers in the saying, that when people show you who they are, believe them.
- Is Their Mind, Heart and Home Right? – You want a person who has a healthy mindset, a good heart and a happy living space. Someone who is negative, paranoid or blames everyone else for their mistakes or misfortunes is not a truly happy or healthy person. Do they inhabit an emotional space that makes you feel safe and stable? Many times, you can see their internal state expressed in their external spaces. If their home or living space is in disarray, unclean, or uncared for it could be an indicator they don’t have follow through, or cannot care for themselves or others. You want someone you can date, not rescue, someone who will be a partner, not a project.
- Are They Conversing or Converting? – When you have a conversation with them, is it like an engaging game of verbal ping pong where ideas go back and forth, or do they dominate the conversation? Controlling people tend to try to convince you their way of thinking is the only way. Do they ask you meaningful questions about things that are important to you, or do they gloss over your topics and steer the conversation back to themselves or their priorities? This behavior can also be a sign of someone who is selfish and self-centered. You may end up in a constant struggle to be heard and valued during your entire relationship.
- What is Their Compatibility Quotient? – There are many personality, relationship or compatibility quizzes and tests out there. Our Matchmakers at 1 True Match recommend The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. This assessment test helps you discover how you express love and how you would like it returned. We also find the Myers Briggs 16 Personalities Types test to be very helpful to learn about you and your partners strengths, weaknesses and the way you both perceive and process information. We recommend these tools because they provide an opportunity for conversation and negotiation into how you both approach life, love and whether you have shared values. If the person is not willing to give these a try, it could mean that they don’t want to reveal themselves too deeply or learn more about you.
- Does Their Spirit Soar? – When clients tell us, they want someone who shares their values, one of those values is usually faith based. Loving someone who puts the Lord first can make a huge difference in how they see the world, the value they place on their relationships and how they manage their morale compass. One of the most repeated versus in the Bible is from Ephesians 5:25; “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” There was no greater love than Christ had for the church, he was willing to sacrifice everything for that love. That is the kind of love we all search for and should strive to achieve!
If you’ve learned these lessons the hard way and would like to work with a professional matchmaker, our relationship experts at 1 True Match can help you navigate the often-murky dating waters. No one has time to waste with people who aren’t sincerely committed to having a healthy and happy relationship.